No Fear? No Life!!

I almost looked for a book today, or a website, something that would tell me the "do's and don'ts" of writing. Can you imagine how many books would never have been written if the authors had done that? I'm thinking Joyce, Kerouac, P-Orridge and Burroughs, and definatly HS Thompson.

I was dissatisfied with what I'd done and I hadn't really done much, a sure road to nowhere, and the only answer was to have faith in my project. Yes, I found thee faith! I've never been able to have faith, not since the Church stole it.

An aquaintance of mine, Seonaid, told me recently about how when she sees her future all she sees is herself running around randomly and being happy, jumping and skipping. Great. Good for you. Enjoy that. Personally I'm more concerned with finding out what I actually want, and thats VERY DAMN SCARY!. No skipping is involved. I want to know my deepest, darkest self, not my no-self, but my true-self, my libido, my fire, my inspiration, my muse, in detail, intimatly.

I woke up this morning with the lines from Lincoln Parks "crawling" in my head, which i havn't heard since it was released really = "fear is how I know beleif in what is real".

The difference between running and skipping randomly and knowing ones muse is in a)meditation upon what one actually wants as opposed to empty fantasy, and b) making decisions.

Part B) is the scary part, because when acting in your own best interests it often takes you away from the comfort and security of the known, it will make you leave previous patterns of behaviour behind so that you cannot predict whats coming next and thus you are living!! Yes, you've made a choice and everything might go horribly fucking wrong and you'd simultaneously have to accept responsibility while not knowing the outcome and staring starry eyed into the great void. No fear? Dont make me laugh.

What inspires me about the writers I've mentioned is that they all wrote from their own experience, and experimentation. They had the balls to actually experiment with their lives, and to break free from the controlling influence of conventional thought and consensus reality. After all, who's reality is it anyway?

However, I am now riding moments of fear for the simple reason that, while I have never been able to fit in, follow or respect consensus realities or conventional thought, I've never decided to live that way. Secretly I've been trying to tailor my reality to fit in with consensus reality. Being unconventional and deciding, making a commitment, to being unconventional are two very different things, especially when deciding to do something that has caused a lot of pain in the past.